WRITING THAT NEEDED “A FRESH EYE!”

Example #1

The following descriptive statement contains problems with tense, word choice and sentence structure that made it confusing and dull.

"The Reduction Offense Program known as ...... is designed to remove certain criminal records and welfare fraud judgments. To avoid newly employed CalWorks participants to be discharged after their employer would discover their past criminal records, the agency initiated its expungement program to help participants prior to employment to avoid being discharged at a later late. Expungement involves three phases: to assess a client’s eligibility into the program; to provide counseling and researching the offense, and – lastly – to complete forms and submit documents to the courts."

Edited it reads more easily!

The goal of the Reduction Offense Program is to expunge certain criminal records and welfare fraud judgments.  Newly employed CalWorks participants are sometimes discharged once employers discover their criminal record. To protect its clients from being discharged at a later date, the agency’s expungement program has their criminal records and welfare judgments removed (expunged) before they are employed. Expungement involves three phases:  determining a client’s eligibility for the program; counseling him or her and researching the nature of the offense, and (third and last), submitting and filing requisite documents with the court.

Example #2

The following is extracted from a job announcement for a Destination Service Consultant:

"Our ideal candidate is knowledgeable and enthusiastic about the area they will be representing, empathetic to the needs of transferring families and has the flexibility to accept work on an as-needed, contract basis.  This is a contract position, and we assign contractors work on an as needed basis. If you are in need of full time work, our consulting position would not meet that requirement. We may only need a contractor to provide contracted services for transferring employees one to two times per year.”

This example is flawed by repetition and lengthy sentences. There is also a problem with modifiers (e.g., the last sentence).

Edited it reads more easily!

Our ideal candidate is knowledgeable and enthusiastic about the area he/she would be representing and empathetic to the needs of transferring employees (and their families). Employment is on an as-needed, contractual basis only. As a part-time destination services consultant, your services would be needed no more than once or twice a year.